|
Creating
and Maintaining Magickal Community
Communities
often form spontaneously, although there are
certainly those that form intentionally. A group
of people finds themselves collected in proximity,
interfacing with each other routinely, generally
for common ends and with congruent values, and
someone finally slaps their head and says: "Wow!
Here I am in a community". I think that
many Pagan communities evolve in this manner,
and once people realize that it has happened
and agree that, yes, indeed, there is a community,
then intentionality comes into play. Those who
want to create community from scratch are aware
of their purpose, who the members are as they
come and go, and have some idea of the type
of culture they wish to develop. In a spontaneous
community, that is really not the case, so purposeful
development and/or transformation lags behind,
not all the players are obvious, and not everyone
has an investment in the growth and health of
the community, which can result in some unique
challenges. In both types of community, no one
is going to completely agree with everyone else.
Dealing with this reality in a mindful, non-violent
way is a major key to the success of a community,
and it's long-term survival. Communication,
coupled with intent, is the magickal toolset
that makes the creation, repair, and transformation
of a community possible.
Our
community here in New Mexico is experiencing
a conflict. Not to be trite, but these things
happen, it is a part of dealing with human beings.
If you find yourself in a community situation
where things have blown up, seemingly over something
that shouldn't cause much strife (in this case,
organizing the annual community Beltaine celebration),
it is much more likely to be about personal
issues, deeply held beliefs, or perceived slights
than anything rational. That is also normal
for human beings. How we deal with the emotions,
the conflict, and the people is our responsibility,
individually and collectively. When things are
getting nasty, folks are hot under the collar,
and the e-mails smell like the cat's litter
box, that is likely the point at which everyone
directly involved would do well to take a deep
breath and pause. Say that, in a calm, non-judgmental
way. Ask people to consider taking a break.
What tends to happen at this point is that people
wind each other up by yelling at each other
(literally or electronically) without addressing
the actual issues as hand, unless someone can
convince them to stop. It's either that, or
hunker down and wait for the storm to pass.
If you are one of the wound up people, ground,
center, and then ask yourself if you are prepared
to be human (aka: fallible) and to let others
involved be human (aka: equally fallible). Most
importantly, are you prepared to see the Divine
inherent within all humans (check mirror - if
you can see Divinity shining behind your eyes,
you're in good shape).
In
our current conflict, I posted a note on one
of our e-lists, stating point-blank: "I'm
going to barge in with unsolicited advice and
comments (I am an Aries after all). I am going
to do my level best to say this with Perfect
Love and Perfect Trust, which means I'm editing
myself as I go to the best
of my ability. I am also speaking as someone
with a deep investment in our small community
(and we are small, scattered in a sea of Muggles,
dependent on each other for support and connection).
Perhaps most importantly, as a former May King,
Beltaine remains my favourite festival, one
which I do not wish to see stained with acrimonious
energy." The point is, tell people where
you are coming from, that you realize that when
speaking from the heart you might begin to sound
like you are speaking from a high horse, but
you are going to try to deal with the issues
without causing further wounding, without blaming.
People get defensive if you point fingers, and
they don't listen well when they are defending
themselves.
If
this is a personal issue between a few people,
then I believe it would be more productive for
those people to work it out amongst themselves,
with a mediator, if needed. Forwarding harsh
e-mails to lists just spreads the misery, although
I will admit it also alerts the larger community
to issues which likely need to be addressed.
In
the case of our community issue, I am sorry
to say that an angry e-mail was sent, and it
included accusations that people in the "other"
group (there is no "other", it is
an illusion that people cling to, there is only
us) were upstart "newbies". I personally
do not like the term "newbies". We
were all new to the path at some point in time,
and we will be new to many things in life, given
enough time. It has a derogatory sound that
most people will react poorly to.
Equally
important, I am sorry that some people involved
have chosen to react to anger with anger. No
one can control what another says, but you do
have a choice, and therefore control, over how
you want to react. How to you want to be in
this world? Angry, or loving? When someone says
something that you find makes you angry, pause
for a moment. Don Ruiz has wisely pointed out
in "The Four Agreements" that it isn't
about you, so don't take what someone says personally.
It will save you a lot of pain.
Let
me close with this: We are all responsible for
our part of community. We can choose how to
act towards each other, and how to react. We
can choose to build bridges or walls. We can
meet each other shout for shout, or merrily,
hand to hand and heart to heart. The Lady and
Lord gave us all free will, and with it the
weight of ownership for all we are and do. Community
is not some static thing that is out there,
it is not abstract, it is not about who is in
and who is out. It is a reality - you're soaking
in it! What it is like, however, is up to us.
Blessed
Be,
Love,
Mac Lamont the Fireheart
*******
"There is religion in everything around
us,
A calm and holy religion
In the unbreathing things of Nature."
- John Ruskin
posted
March, 2006
| To
leave a comment, or see posted comments,
click on the right-hand link below. For
the trackback address, click the left-hand
link |
|
|
|
|
The
Four Components of Nonviolent Communications (NVC)
(as developed by Marshall Rosenberg)
The
NVC model is based on four components:
1. Observation – The concrete actions
we are observing that are affecting our well-being.
2. Feeling – How we are feeling in relation
to what we are observing.
3. Needs – The needs, values, desires,
etc., that are creating our feelings.
4. Request – The concrete actions we request
in order to enrich our lives.
An
example is:
"When you interrupt me while we're talking
(observation), I feel discouraged (feeling)
because I need to finish my point before we
can discuss it (need). Can you wait until I
am finished before you introduce more ideas
about the topic? (request)"
An
example of non-NVC around this same issue might
be:
"You always think your ideas are better
than mine" or
"I'm tired of your useless interruptions."
The
two parts of NVC, speaking and listening, are
described by Rosenberg as:
1. Expressing honesty through the four components.
2. Receiving empathetically through the four
components.
Another scenario: You are confronting a fellow
member about her absence from rituals you have
led.
State an observation. Share an observation without
evaluating it; be as specific as you can. “The
past two times I planned and led a ritual, you
didn’t attend.”
Share a feeling. Tell the person how you felt
when you observed this behavior. This helps
you identify your feelings. “When I realized
this, I felt disappointed.”
State what your need is. State what need is
not being fulfilled. Needs can only be responded
to if they are known. “Since using chant
in ritual has been a challenge for me and you
are the group’s bard, I need your feedback.”
Make a request. Ask the person to do something
to fulfill your need. Again, be specific and
use positively phrased language. “Would
you suggest a time that we can meet to review
my last two rituals?”
A non-“I”-statement approach to
the same situation might have been: “You
think my rituals are unimportant, and you don’t
care if I succeed.”
If you are on the receiving side of the “I”
statement, receive the information with empathy,
focusing on what feeling the other is having
and what need is not being met. Consider the
request and honestly respond, offering an alternate
solution if the proposed one is unreasonable.
This kind of give and take will result in a
win-win situation.
"I" Statement Worksheet
"I" Statements have four components:
1. Observation – The concrete actions
we are observing that are affecting our well-being.
2. Feeling – How we are feeling in relation
to what we are observing.
3. Needs – The needs, values, desires,
etc., that are creating our feelings.
4. Request – The concrete actions we request
in order to enrich our lives. (p. 7)
Scenario:
State
an observation. Share an observation without
evaluating it; be as specific as you can.
Share a feeling. Tell the person how you felt
when you observed this behavior. This helps
you identify your feelings.
State what your need is. State what need is
not being fulfilled. Needs can only be responded
to if they are known.
Make a request. Ask the person to do something
to fulfill your need. Again, be specific and
use positively phrased language.
|
![[Valid RSS]](../../images/valid-rss.png "Validate my RSS feed"){kind=small}
We
all have to live with each other....
